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"What happens if I if I'm curious about this and open up and look at it? To approach (these verses) with that kind of curiosity lends itself to being more open? A sense of wonder, a sense of possibility, sense of like, "let's look at it". There's many possibilities. Let's find out."
From The Ease of a Curious Mind, Gil Fronsdale (2012)
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As algorithms exploit our attention for profit, steering us to their idea of what will most hook us, self-agentic curiosity doesn't get enough space in our day to day lives. By that I mean the unleashing of our self-actualisation process - the becoming who we are process - that begins to express itself during our childhood. Where that curiosity about our self and the world is safely supported by active attachment figures, we learn to listen to and trust our instincts to guide us towards what feels important and satisfying and worthwhile... in other words, living our personal values. Self-actualising. Being us.
Known as the Circle of Security, consistent caregivers who facilitate safe explorations and give attention to the child’s experience on returning are literally teaching new humans that they have the right to discover the world and that their learning is welcome and exciting. They're teaching that it is safe to feel emotions in response to experience, modelling how to manage situations both internally through processing emotional reactions and by translating those emotions into real-world actions if chosen... and thereby transmitting what a secure base of self-agency and self-responsibility looks like to new humans as they grow into the increasingly complex choices of adulthood.
Curiosity is An Exploration of Self
It seems that as we explore the world, our emotional responses and need to choose actions can be felt as a bad to us. We can judge our reactions as 'over emotional' or 'over thinking', get stuck in rumination over our options or our perceived failings, and cling to must, should, can't, and just, the four horsemen of the motivation apocalypse. Pumped full of negative attention, our roadblocks get bigger and our story of limitation fills with nuance. We can't get done what we must do and its just so easy we should be finished already! Seriously, who could be motivated by that!
Here's a Question: Who Said That?
So if we're all born a naturally self-actualising human, how come we have these words and beliefs which undermine our motivations? Where do they come from? While human society has a billion ways to teach us undermining beliefs for the profit of others, the most powerful of these are the ones we hear from our caregivers. As our secure base, they've modelled what is safe and acceptable for us to function in the world, loaning us their own limitations for that process. When our parent says 'people must' and 'everyone should' they've delivered important advice for directing our actions to avoid punishment. When they use 'just' to minimise, or state we 'can't' do differently, they communicate self-limiting beliefs which inhibit our motivation for experimentation. Yet, as we live these caregiver-communicated directions and inhibitions, we are not living as our selves. We're living within an invisible framework of rules and limits, passed down as a survival strategy for managing human society. Some of it applies, some of it will be out of date, but I believe that the pathway to self-agency involves becoming curious about these limitations, exploring them with openness to discover what lays beyond the internalised programming of our childhoods and to truly learn what being ourselves feels like.
So when the internal voice begins to judge, limit, criticise, minimise... can you be curious? Who sounded like that when you were growing up? Where did you discover that rule, that limit? Is that belief out of date now? How does it make you feel? How does it feel to follow the limit, the rule - childlike, bossy, unsafe, secure, something else? How does recognising that belief change what you think of it? What would you like to do differently? What if that voice had no power over you?
What if today’s answer to 'who said it' is you... and what if you stop believing that thought?
Our True Internal Values Can't Be Externally Led
The thing about following other peoples beliefs is that they are, by their nature, external to us. Same thing with algorithms: an externally applied framework cannot emanate from inside us. Despite being taught so young that we haven't ever developed an alternative belief to examine, 'internalised' beliefs from childhood shake loose under the power of a poor-fit with our personal values. So while some children who suffered physical punishments as children grew up to mindlessly use physical punishment as parents, a parent who finds physical punishments an unbearable anathema which is counter to their values is not going to use them, no matter their childhood experience. Instead, they will mindfully explore non-violent parenting and learn new skills which reflect their values.
What's Me? What's Them?
We're often so tangled together emotionally with caregivers and their internalised beliefs that knowing what belongs to us and what belongs to childhood programming can be difficult. We don't have enough experience to really separate the two, especially where we've been deeply affected by those beliefs (such as in complex trauma, or C-PTSD). For people who were emotionally shut out by caregivers as children - through neglect, abuse, loss, or the caregivers limitations - or who were given strict instructions regarding 'acceptable' behaviours, finding our own personal values can mean disentangling from learned limits and beliefs which don't speak to our personal values. This entanglement of values can cause rumination, brain fog, executive function and emotional dysregulation, and lead to overstimulation of the physical systems which keep our mood regulated causing symptoms of fatigue, anxiety, and depression which can increase as we grow older and become more aware of the 'disconnect' between what we're doing and what we're feeling.
Curiosity Challenge: What Happens If?
While it's often comforting to focus our attention on the 'reason' for our struggles - often a parent or partner - it rarely provides the pathway we're searching for. In fact, curiosity about their perceived failings in their relationship to us can create a comfortable place of in-activity, where our curiosity is hijacked into musings about what another person can do to improve our relationship to them. That's not curiosity, it's voyeurism. Rather, this is the time to relentlessly bring your attention back to your self - openly, non-judgementally, curiously... what do I feel is going on here..? What memories come up for me around this? Where do I feel it in my body? How old do I feel? What feels helpful, what feels unhelpful? What values are challenged by this? What values are supported? Do my values mean I need to plan a different response?
Which brings us to the challenge: Can you change your relationship with curiosity so that it is working to bring you closer to who you are? When you here yourself say "I can't", can you change your thoughts to "what if I can?" When you're unsure of which direction to go, can you identify the values you're struggling to choose? When advice is well meant but ill-fitting, can you be curious about what doesn't fit, what feels more 'you'?
If values are tricky for you, here's a little exercise to inspire! Download this free exercise to help you explore what's valuable to you. Choose the words from the downloadable list which represent what's most important to you. In the space provided, group the words that have similar meaning to you, remembering that there is no right or wrong way to group them. Finally, pick the word from each group which seems to represent the category best for you - write that word below the others as your Core Value. If you enjoy this exercise, or want to discuss curiosity and values as critical elements of mental health, contact me for an initial consultation or watch for my upcoming complex trauma working group!
References: Fronsdal, G. (n.d.). The ease of a curious mind [Audio podcast]. AudioDharma. https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/3208
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment (Vol. 1). Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho-Analysis.
Shipley, C. (2014). Design your life: How to create a meaningful life, advance your career, and live your dreams. 3C Consulting.
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